I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He felt like a one man threesome
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
