I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
