I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
