Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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