Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize