just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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