Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
