Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
