it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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