If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
