She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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