I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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