So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
