We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
