New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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