I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
