I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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