i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
