Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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