I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Randomize
