She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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