After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
