My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish I only lived at night.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
