It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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