I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
