If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
