i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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