He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
