I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
