As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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