I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
As shirtless as possible
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
