A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
