My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
