I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
