I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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