Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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