Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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