i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
