She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
