the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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