even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize