Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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