mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
