I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
