Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
