its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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