If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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