Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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