we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
