Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
