i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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