First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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