he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
