PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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