I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
