my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
