i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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