She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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