six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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