Just fell off a train. Bad.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Randomize