I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
