I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
