Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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