you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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